Walking Through Fear of Abandonment with Self-Compassion

“When you express deep vulnerability or pain, you are still deserving of love. When you are embarrassed, you are still deserving of love. When you are angry, you are still deserving of love. When you need help, you are still deserving of love.”

– Cleo Wade, Heart Talk: Poetic Wisdom For a Better Life 

The fear of being vulnerable and admitting I still have deep hurt from wounds in the past can be paralyzing. These wounds have felt so raw again this week. When I fail to meet the standards I set for myself or think I am disappointing someone I love, even in small ways that do not register to anyone else, I feel exposed and vulnerable that my loved ones will realize I am not good enough.

The well of emotion and memory of the depth of pain I experienced from a sudden loss of a friendship made me terrified and wary to delve deeper in my relationships. I felt such a visceral fear of abandonment that it triggered a fight or flight response- “I must protect my heart at all costs.”

The fear not only told my brain to stay away from anything that could cause hurt, it shouted, “It will certainly hurt.”

My senses were on such a heightened alert for danger…. Do I choose fight (“don’t let anyone hurt you again”) or flight (“you can only trust yourself”)?

Changing negative thought patterns in the face of fear is difficult, it feels downright IMPOSSIBLE. But it isn’t impossible. It starts with the small step of saying “maybe”- “maybe the things fear is telling me isn’t true”, and then having the courage to act on that maybe.

The very thing I needed, support from friends and assurance that I was loved, was the very thing I was most afraid to need and ask for. How could I share what I was going through when I felt that my surroundings were perilous?

 I must protect my heart at all costs.”

I was at a standstill and felt helpless, but this time, I didn’t want fear to harm meaningful and positive relationships. This time was different than the past because I wasn’t alone. I had so many friends who sat with me this week as I deeply struggled through the pain. Friends that reminded me that I am growing and I am loved throughout the process. That my imperfection doesn’t make me unlovable. My friends walked with me in the midst of the pain and reminded me that I am strong. They surrounded me with the truth that I am worthy and capable of having loving, healthy, and balanced relationships.

I didn't run or hide, isolate or ostracize. I sat in the middle of the pain as the waves washed over me, and it didn’t kill me. I believe on the other side of this immense pain is a freedom and joy that will make this year the best yet. I trust God, even when I don’t have anything else to give. He is expanding my capacity to live with purpose, not be afraid, and love and be loved without reservation.

“Enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; do not hold back, lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes.” Isaiah 54:2

I am surrendering every fear, every lie, every negative thought pattern that holds me back. I believe in healthy and vibrant friendships and community, sacrificial and overflowing love, and grace that covers all the pain. What freedom awaits.